Sorry, no pictures or footnotes yet. I have to like, work and stuff. :P [ Edit: Photos and footnotes done! ]
Ye olde Sens boy band fic: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Marian Hossa, Martin Havlat, Antoine Vermette, Jason Spezza, Daniel Alfredsson, Ilya Kovalchuk, Ray Emery.
Christoph Schubert, Tomas Kaberle
MAKING THE BAND
~ Marian Hossa's House, Ottawa ~
VERMETTE: Does anyone feel guilty that we're hanging out in Marian's house, drinking beer from his fridge, and holding band practice here even though we're in direct competition with his band?
VERMETTE: Oh good, I was hoping it wasn't just me.
SPEZZA: Guys, I'm an All-Star!
EVERYONE: We know.
SPEZZA: I'm going to ask Tomas Kaberle to sign my jersey.
ALFREDSSON: Who's Tomas Kaberle?
SPEZZA: Defenseman for the Leafs, the best team ever!
EVERYONE: *stares at Spezza*
SPEZZA: I mean, uhh, you know, except for ours. *looks down and scuffs feet*
ALFREDSSON: Guys, I can't believe the opportunity we're getting. We'll be performing during the morning skate before the Skills competition. I heard that lots of tween girls will be showing up just to watch us!
VERMETTE: *suspiciously* Who did you hear this from?
ALFREDSSON: Our manager.
VERMETTE: *to Schubert* We have a manager?
ALFREDSSON: We're going to have an actual stage to perform on. This is going to be the pinnacle of our careers.
SPEZZA: But I thought that winning the Stanley Cup was the pinnacle of our careers.
VERMETTE: *clears throat* We went to the Finals, but we didn't win.
SCHUBERT: *sadly* Ja.
SPEZZA: Oh, maybe that was just a dream then. It did seem too good to be true that I was wearing a Leafs jersey when I raised the Cup.
ALFREDSSON: *counts heads* We seem to be missing someone, but who is it?
ALFREDSSON: No, I kicked him out because he's too old. That's why this German kid is here.
SPEZZA: I thought he was just here for the free beer.
SCHUBERT: *confused* Ja.
VERMETTE: So who's missing?
~ Screeching of tires outside ~
~ Front door opens, revealing Ray Emery ~
EMERY: I have arrived. *puts sunglasses on*
ALFREDSSON: *looks at his watch* You're four minutes late.1
EMERY: I thought we were practicing at your place.
VERMETTE: This would have made more sense.
ALFREDSSON: This is unacceptable! I'm fining you.
~ Emery ignores Alfredsson and goes into the kitchen to get a beer ~
VERMETTE: I don't think that you have the authority to fine him.
ALFREDSSON: Sure I do, I'm the leader of the band. It's one of the perks. I also get first pick of groupies.
VERMETTE: But isn't our target audience 12-year-old girls?
SCHUBERT: *lecherously* Ja.
EVERYONE: *exchanges disturbed looks*
~ Emery returns with a beer ~
ALFREDSSON: I'm fining you $14,705.882 for being late to practice.
EMERY: I don't have $14,705.88 on me.
ALFREDSSON: Well, how much do you have?
EMERY: *opens wallet* One dollar. *digs in pockets* And three cents.
ALFREDSSON: That will do. Hand it over.
~ Emery gives $1.03 to Alfredsson ~
ALFREDSSON: Let this be a lesson to you, young man!
EMERY: *discreetly pats his fat money clip* *softly* Sucka.
~ All-Star Weekend, 2008 in Atlanta ~
KABERLE: Hey, you! Why are you wearing my jersey?
SPEZZA: *turns red* I uhh... umm... err... I was just going to autograph it, that's all.
KABERLE: We're supposed to do that after the game.
SPEZZA: I'm just getting a headstart. *hurriedly grabs a Sharpie and signs the jersey*
KABERLE: Great, now I have an upside-down signature on my jersey. Who are you anyway? *tilts head, trying to read autograph*
SPEZZA: Umm, Christoph Schubert. *pulls jersey off and tosses it in Kaberle's face, then runs away*
~ Stage where the Jonas Brothers3 are performing during morning skate before Skills ~
ALFREDSSON: Who are these twerps? What are they doing on our stage?
VERMETTE: I think they're supposed to be here. Look at all these little girls screaming and cheering.
SCHUBERT: *excitedly* Ja.
ALFREDSSON: Nonsense. They're trying to steal the show from us and I'm not going to let that happen!
~ Alfredsson storms the stage and grabs a brother and tosses him off the stage ~
JONAS #1: Egad!
SCHUBERT: *rushes onto stage as well* Jarrrrrrrrrgh! *tosses another brother off the stage*
JONAS #2: Gadzooks!
~ Emery walks onto the stage and cracks his knuckles ~
JONAS #3: Fuck this, I'm outta here! *runs away*
ALFREDSSON: Okay everyone, this is our big chance to make an impression on our core fanbase.
~ Pre-pubescent girls in the crowd burst into tears ~
ALFREDSSON: See, they are hysterical with excitement. All right, guys, one, two, three...
~ Marian Hossa and Ilya Kovalchuk show up on stage, followed by security guards ~
HOSSA: This is our home turf. Get out of here, usurper! *gives signal to security guards*
~ Guards move to escort the Sens off the stage ~
KOVALCHUK: Now we will show them what we can do. *grabs microphone*
VERMETTE: Hey, that song sounds familiar. I think it's by those two Russian lesbians!
HOSSA: *singing* All the things he said (all the things he said) running through my head (running through my head running through my head)
~ Kovalchuk grabs Hossa and kisses him ~
HOSSA: What are you doing?
KOVALCHUK: That's what t.A.T.u. does during this song.
HOSSA: That's different! They're lesbians.
KOVALCHUK: I used to wear a skirt.
HOSSA: I'm not sure that counts.
~ Pre-pubescent girls cheer wildly at the kiss ~
KOVALCHUK: *leaves stage* *sneers at Spezza* Even little girls think I am number one. You will always be second best!
SPEZZA: *bursts into tears*
KOVALCHUK: Muahahaha! *steals ice cream from Vermette and runs away with Hossa*
VERMETTE: Sacre bleu!
MARTY: I wouldn't be too upset, there's a little something special in that ice cream. Once he finishes eating it he's going to be riding the porcelain throne.
SPEZZA: Where did you come from? What are you doing here?
MARTY: I'm an All-Star.
ALFREDSSON: The German kid is right! You aren't an All-Star this year.
MARTY: I will always be an All-Star.
VERMETTE: Wait a minute. That was my ice cream that you put that stuff in!
EVERYONE: *glares at Marty*
MARTY: Umm. *points* Hey, look behind you, is that a three-headed monkey? *runs away*
1 Emery was late for practice by four minutes, explaining that he was late because he went to the wrong place.
2 This is the exact amount he was fined for being late (see 1).
3 The Jonas Brothers performed at the 2008 NHL All-Star Weekend.