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The Invincible M.A.E.

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Jack Johnson

Phil Kessel is a dirtbag and so is his mom!

So Kessel's been in the news lately and Joolzie told me this morning that JMFJ had called Kessel a dirtbag, and I was like... wha?

Anyway, here's the dirtbag thing:

Kessel walks into the room. The Blue Jackets are the first of 20 interviews on his schedule. He is barely in his seat before Boyd says, "Teammates."


"Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"No," Kessel says.

He most certainly does. Kessel has a reputation for being disliked by teammates wherever he's played. Jack Johnson, 2nd overall in last year's draft, called him "a dirtbag" during one of his combine interviews.


"I don't have a problem with my teammates."

More silence.

"I don't have a problem with Jack Johnson."

More silence.

"I had lunch with him practically every day."

So then I became really curious because... what could he have done to make JMFJ call him a dirtbag? I mean, one of his friends is Patrick Kane. :P And then I did more digging, and uhh, it's possible that it's Crosby-related.

Basically, Kessel's MOM used to heckle Crosby really badly when he played at Shattuck-St. Mary's.

Johnson: Sid is the best player that I have ever played with or against. We hit it off right away during our first year at Shattuck. The whole chemistry of the team was so great; it was just like an immediate click.

One of my favorite Sid stories is the time that Phil Kessel's mom went right down to the glass and started heckling him before a face-off in the opponents' zone. She was calling Sid every nasty name in the book and telling him that he was overrated. Typically, Sid would win the face-off and set me up for a slap shot near the blueline. Not this time. Sid went up to me and said that he was going to win the face-off and take the puck himself and score. I just nodded my head.

Sure enough, the puck drops and Sid grabs possession. Within 2 seconds, the red light goes off and all Sid does is tip his hat to Mrs. Kessel. Just a classic Sid Crosby moment.

Okay, so ignoring the JMFJ/Crosby (which I somehow did on my first read-through), basically Kessel's mom is psycho. Seriously, how could you do that to a FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD KID??? Also, Crosby was much cooler when he was a person. :P

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Cannot process feelings. Boop boop. :(

STOP MAKING SIDNEY CROSBY CUTE! You're making him like one of those... robot dogs.

I bet robot dogs have a greater emotional range.

Only because they have those cute little tails!

it's the emotional sequel to lindsey's donuts fic. Sidney Crosby wakes up as a robot dog in JMFJ's bed.

boop boop.

You know, that would probably make for the most mature relationship they've ever had.

JMFJ giving him awkward scratches behind the ear that Sidney can't actually feel, but it makes his little robot tail wag anyways.

Don't make me cry! Especially not about JMFJ and a robot dog...

Would AIBO!Crosby wake him up in the morning by nuzzling his face and flashing lights in his eyes? Would he make little heart shapes with his LEDs when JMFJ plays fetch with him? Would he roll over to have his tummy rubbed when JMFJ comes home?

And the thing is it would be all involuntary programming that he couldn't HIDE, which is why he would actually be able to express things. He just couldn't help himself! And JMFJ would just be so confused by the whole thing, like, turning into a robot shouldn't make sidney easier to understand.

Ahh, he wouldn't be able to dodge conversations! Well, I suppose he wouldn't be able to participate because he can't talk, but... JMFJ would ask him questions and he'd blink his little lights in response, and JMFJ would be like, but I thought you stopped loving me, and AIBO!Crosby would go up on his hind legs and paw him and blink fiercely at him.

Because he didn't stop loving JMFJ, he just -- didn't know how to express it anymore and at some point it just became easier to give it up than to try and try and always fall short.

That's what I was saying! But she feels like she'd be betraying Cindy or something. Boo.

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