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Jack Johnson

Some Guy Called Ryan

TITLE: Some Guy Called Ryan
RATING: PG-13 swearing, slash
CAST: Jack Johnson, Patrick Kane, other Team USA players
ARCHIVE: http://maefic.50webs.com/slash/someGuy.html
DEDICATION: Team USA, for being more than I could ever have imagined.
DISCLAIMER: It's all lies!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Jack Johnson's POV. Don't worry, Jack Johnson and Patrick Kane don't get it on. This is set during the 2010 Winter Olympics. There are 6 guys on Team USA named Ryan--7 if you include Bobby Ryan.

"You're never going to believe this."

"Believe what?"

"Patrick Kane."

"What about him?"

I lean back into my chair and grin.


We were all having lunch together in the Olympic village cafeteria, cramped around a table that had sat eight comfortably until Bobby Ryan asked if he could join us, then pulled up a chair without waiting for an answer. He was followed by Zach Parise, Ryan Kesler and Joe Pavelski and next thing I knew we were all squeezed together shoulder to shoulder, Patrick Kane's elbow digging into my ribs as he texted furiously.

"Dude, quit texting your girlfriend," I grumbled, nudging him away.

"It's not a girl, it's Toews," he muttered, frowning slightly in concentration as he tried to keep typing while Erik Johnson - who I'd shoved him into - pushed him back into me. I dropped a forkful of mac and cheese into my lap.

"Like I said, quit texting your girlfriend," I growled as I wiped my pants.

Half the table started snickering and Kaner looked around at everyone, confused for a moment before it dawned on him why they were laughing.

"Oh, haha, yeah, very funny everyone," he said his dopey smile appearing briefly before he was distracted by another text. He held up his phone to read the message and jabbed his elbow into my ribs again.

"Okay, that's it--no more texting for you." I grabbed the phone out of his hands and shoved it into my pocket, deftly fending off his flailing arms as he tried to get it back.

"I'll give it back after lunch, lover boy."

I settled back into my chair to finish the rest of my lunch, but Kane was still trying to get his phone from me, reaching his arm around behind my back and making ineffective grabbing motions at my pocket. The only thing he managed to do was whiff past me and partly grope Ryan Suter's ass. Ryan stood up abruptly and glared past me at him, looking extremely violated.

Kane coughed nervously. "Uh, sorry, I was just trying to get my phone back."

"Pretty sure your phone isn't up my ass, buddy," Ryan said loudly, causing the table of Dutch speed skaters next to us to turn and stare. He smiled awkwardly at them, then sat down and buried his face in his hands as all the guys started laughing.

"After lunch, I said." I patted Kane's head and went back to my mac and cheese, food of champions.

He pouted, but grudgingly accepted that he wasn't getting his phone back until I was done eating. It beeped at least another six, seven times in the next five minutes and I started to wonder if Toews really was his girlfriend. Kane sipped his soda and looked forlornly at me, hands wrapped around his cup, thumbs twitching as if he was in withdrawal.

We all finished lunch and as I stood up to go, he sprang to my side and looked at me expectantly.

"Don't even think of going anywhere near my ass," I warned him, just as the Dutch speed speed skaters walked past me. They gave me a strange look, but kept walking.

"It's after lunch. Hand it over," he whined.

I pulled the phone out of my pocket. What the hell were they talking about that he couldn't wait five minutes? I started reading his messages and turned my back to him as he made a grab for the phone. Ryan Kesler grabbed him from behind and put him in a headlock. "So what's it say?" Kes asked, both of them laughing as Kane tried to escape his grasp.

"The usual crap. Trash talking. Bad spelling." I kept scrolling through the messages. "Toews has your teddy bear?"

"Not mine! It's for my sister. Let me go, already!" He scowled up at Kes, who responded by tightening his grip and beaming brightly. He's not too bad for a Buckeye.

I was disappointed by what I was reading. There was absolutely nothing incriminating about either person in the texts. I decided to look through his photos instead and stopped in shock when I saw the first one.

Kane noticed the expression on my face and frowned. "What? What are you looking at?"

"Nothing," I replied quickly, locking his phone so the screen went blank. Kes released him and he swiped the phone from my hand. "The two of you are the most boring people on the planet."

I couldn't be further from the truth.


"So what did you see? What was in that photo?"

I rub the back of my neck, not in a hurry to answer.

"Was it something from that limo?"

I shake my head. "Nothing as tame as that."

"Then what?"

"He was kissing someone."

"That's it? Why's that a big deal?"

"Well, the someone had a five o'clock shadow."


Kaner came to my room a little later, like I thought he would. He knew what I'd seen and he was trying to do some damage control.

"Hi Jack," he said nervously, closing the door behind him.

I stared at him, or more accurately, through him.

"Hey, so I think you may have seen a photo on my phone..." He paused, like he was hoping that I hadn't seen it and that it would all go away.

"I saw it," I said, and his face went a little white.

He swallowed. "Umm, please don't tell anyone about it okay? It was just a stupid thing I did when I was drunk. I don't want people to think... I'm not..."

"Gay?" I said loudly.

He jumped, as if I'd just screamed through a megaphone. He came over and put his hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes. "I'm not, okay? I'm not."

I grabbed his wrist tightly and forced his arm down. "Don't touch me."

He stepped back and shook his head. "I'm not," he said again, softer this time. He looked down at his toes and started repeating himself, as if he thought that saying it enough times would make me forget what I'd seen. Finally, he fell silent and I let him stand there.

After I thought I'd let him sweat enough, I asked, "So who was that in the photo with you?"

He looked back up at me, a new expression of horror on his face. "I can't tell you."

"Sure you can. You can tell me," I stepped closer to him. "Or you can tell the team."

"You wouldn't do that!" He was desperate, wild eyes and open mouth.

"Of course I wouldn't right now, that would totally fuck the team over. But after the Games end..." I shrugged.

Kaner looked miserable as he begged me, "Please don't do this, Jack. I'll do anything, just please don't say anything."

"Just tell me who it is, and I'll keep quiet."

He shook his head. "No, I can't. Nobody can know about him."

"Toews?" I asked. "No, it can't be him. You're stupid enough to have a photo of him on your phone--you would have mushy texts too. Another teammate? Versteeg?"

"No, it's not him," he said quickly, but I'd seen his reaction when I said the word "teammate".

"So it's one of the Blackhawks." I could just go through all the names in the roster and watch his reaction to each name. He was easier to read than a children's book.

He shook his head again. "I'm not going to tell you."

As far as I could tell, he was telling the truth. I was confused. He'd reacted so strongly when I asked him if it was a teammate. He crossed his arms and frowned with stubborn determination. And then it occurred to me--I was right when I thought it was one of his teammates, I just didn't have the right team in mind.

It was someone on our team.


"So did he tell you who it is?"

"Wait for me to finish my story."

"You are so annoying."

I smile. "I know."

"I'm glad it's not Toews, though."

"Yeah, you would be."


Threats weren't working on him. He knew I wouldn't say anything, at least until the Olympics were over, so he just dug in his heels and refused to talk. It was time to give him something more immediate to worry about.

I caught him completely by surprise and he barely reacted when I grappled him face down on to the bed, pinning him down with my body weight as I twisted his right arm. He yelped in pain and struggled, trying to roll around and push me off at the same time but he couldn't do much--my position gave me the advantage.

"Guess we'll have to do it the hard way." I twisted his arm just a little more and he wriggled even harder, swearing as he tried to get free.

Just at that moment, the door opened and my roommate Erik Johnson walked in. Kaner and I froze and turned our heads back to look at him. Erik blinked at us as Kane widened his eyes, hoping for salvation.

"I'll just come back later," he said agreeably and left, closing the door behind him.

"Spill it," I growled. Holding him down was getting a little tiring.

"No! Stop it, you're going to break my arm." He looked like he might actually be tearing up.

"Don't be ridiculous, the worst I can do is dislocate it. You've been watching too many movies."

"Need arm... to play hockey..." he gasped.

I decided that he'd had enough and let him go. He immediately rolled onto his back and sat up, rubbing his arm. "You are such an asshole."

"You're an idiot," I stated. "Didn't you learn anything from the whole limo photos thing? Or I guess you hadn't learned anything from punching out a cab driver so you wouldn't have learned anything from that either."

"I didn't punch him out--" he started saying indignantly, but I interrupted him. "It doesn't matter what happened; it just matters what comes out in the papers. You can't keep getting into these situations."

"You just saw it by accident." He'd settled down and was looking out through the window into the distance, where the mountains rose into the clouds.

"And anyone else could have seen it by accident." I sighed. "What if it hadn't been me? What if you left your phone in a cab?"

He glanced down at his hands, thinking about what I said, like he was really considering what the consequences would have been. Then he looked up at me with a crooked smile. "I would have gone back and beaten up the cab driver. Got the phone back."

"That's so not funny," I said, trying my best not to lose it, but I failed after just a few seconds and I cracked up. Kaner lost it too and we were both almost bent over double, laughing our hearts out.

Erik came back to our room again, but this time he just opened it halfway, took one look at us, and closed the door again without saying a word.


"I'm disappointed you didn't actually dislocate his arm."

"Shut up."


Kaner brought me a plate with scrambled eggs, three strips of bacon and hash browns just like I'd asked, but I was so nervous I barely felt like eating. We were facing Switzerland and I'd played against Hiller enough to know that he could be trouble, but we could have been playing Jamaica and I would have still felt the same way. It wasn't a nervous worry but a nervous excitement. It felt like the start of the best time of my life.

I glanced up and everyone at the table was looking at me with mild curiosity. Twelve guys around two small tables had apparently worked so well the last time that we were doing it again.

"Didn't realize that there were waiters here. How do I get one of those?" Kes asked me pointedly.

I put my arm around Kane and grinned. "He's not so much a waiter as he is a..." I paused, searching for the right word as he rolled his eyes.

"Slave," I said triumphantly, just as the same group of Dutch speed skaters from the day before came within earshot. They moved hurriedly past the empty table they'd been heading for.

Kes polished off his glass of orange juice and asked, "Lost a bet?"

"Yeah, you'll all be very interested to know that Kaner here-" I felt his body tense up under my arm. "-can not, in fact, suck his own dick."

Everyone laughed, then one by one had the same thought and glanced briefly at Ryan Miller, who pretended to be concentrating on his eggs before finally blurting, "I can't. You guys happy now? Stop looking at me!"

Kane had relaxed after what I'd said, muttering under his breath. "Thought you were going to say something else."

"That would just be mean," I responded, just as softly.

I made pretty good use of him after that. He did my laundry, carried my bags around, went out to get Tim Hortons for me late one night and just about anything else I could think of. For the record, he gives pretty good neck rubs. But the reality of the situation was that I wouldn't have said anything even if he hadn't done all those things, and he knew it. In a strange way, I think he settled into that role because it was a role that he enjoyed playing.

I kept pressing him to tell me who was in that photo with him, but he refused. He answered "some guy called Ryan" once, but it was with a smile on his face, knowing that it barely narrowed it down. By that time, I had caught a couple of subtly exchanged glances - nothing anyone would notice unless they were looking for it, like I was - and I was pretty sure I knew who it was. I understood why Kane had fought so hard to protect him.

He never told me who it was.


"So who is it?" He's impatient now, his voice annoyed.

"I'm not telling you."

"Then why the fuck did you waste my time with that story?"

"I'm wasting your time? That's harsh."

"It's just that--" He stops. "We could have done something else."


He slides his hand across my thigh, but I stop him, pushing it away. He looks at me, surprised and hurt.

"I don't want to start anything I can't finish."

"There's a pill for that, I think." He's trying to disguise his disappointment with a joke, but he doesn't do it very well. Best actor in the world, but he can't hide anything from me.

"I shouldn't even be here. Not now." Stupid actions can have consequences.

"I won't be able to see you later, after the game. You're not going to want to see me."

I narrow my eyes. "You won't want to see me."

He sighs. "I don't want to fight."

I don't want to fight either, so I lean in and kiss him. He kisses me back, but he's not all there, a part of him held back by anger over a stupid Facebook photo of me and a girl that I didn't untag in time. We're done with that fight, but it's not gone.

The truth is that I don't know why I told him about Kane. I'm pretty sure that whatever Kaner has going on is going to end when all of us leave Vancouver. He has a resolution. I have questions. He knows what's ahead of him and he's not changing a thing. I don't know if I could make the same choice. I don't know if I would.

"Stop thinking," he murmurs, wrapping his arms around me, and I do, and he does, and none of it matters right now.


I really, really love this! I love Jack's voice here and that he never does find out who was in the picture with Kane, the Ryan Miller joke (did he actually try to do that? did I miss something there? haha), and how he's telling this story to Sidney (presumably). Love love love!

Wow, I really didn't need that image of Ryan Miller. I mean, I guess I'm responsible for it, but my mental defenses work well against myself!

Thank you so much, Alex!!! :D

I really love the hell out of this, it was just awesome. And now I want to know who it was, if it wasn't Jonny. ;) (I think I know who it is, but I could be wrong *laughs*)

Edited at 2010-03-01 02:44 am (UTC)

Thank you so much, Nat!!! :) I did have someone in mind, but the point was that Kane would stay strong. :P

(Deleted comment)
I'm glad it made you laugh!! Thanks for the fb. :)

I loved this. I started to laugh at Miller's comment so hard that I had to stop reading for a little while so I could concentrate after that. And I love Jack Johnson, his voice here is great.

I'm happy it made you laugh! Watching him these Olympics has made me really like Jack Johnson. Thanks so much for your fb. :)

Heee, this was seriously entertaining and made me smile :D Miller's comment was fantastic, but I think my favorite part was this:

"I would have gone back and beaten up the cab driver. Got the phone back."

oh, Kaner, never ever stop being so special. :DDD

Yay, I'm glad you thought it was funny. :) Dude, Kane is fabulous. I think my favourite thing about him is that he used to play with dolls as a kid. :P

Thanks for your fb! :D

He answered "some guy called Ryan" once, but it was with a smile on his face, knowing that it barely narrowed it down.
Oh, man, I've been LOL'ing at the total American-ness of six (seven if you count last names!) Ryans on Team USA, so that line (and the title) = awesome.

Really liked this, especially the voice and the dialogue...and the Dutch speed skaters (LOL) and "I can't. You guys happy now? Stop looking at me!" (LOLx2) and the fact that we were left with some ~mystery!

It's a good thing everyone has a hockey nickname! I think next Olympics they should aim to add at least five more Ryans.

I find Dutch speed skaters inherently funny for some reason. Kind of like the Norwegian men's curling team's pants. I'm really glad you liked the fic, thank you so much for your fb. :D

He scowled up at Kes, who responded by tightening his grip and beaming brightly. He's not too bad for a Buckeye.


I enjoyed this a lot-- there was a part where I thought Jack was getting a bit dark, but I think that gave a sense of reality to it-- life is not sunshine and bunnies and people aren't always nice-- and the way things developed put a much lighter spin on it all. Oh JMFJ :D

I thought the Miller joke was fucking hilarious.

(Also, I have been so very very warped by my misspent youth in this fandom-- Langenbrunner just made me think of bad Hatcher fic, and every time I saw Scott N...meyer I wanted to say "Your brother is a WUSSFACE despite the fact that I didn't even SEE Rob.)

ALSO ALSO. Okay, during the anthem, is it just me or did they show Marleau not singing? Was he so overcome that he forgot the words? Is he petrified to sing in public? Does the French version go faster? I was baffled!

Dude aside from Michigan/Ohio State and Michigan/Michigan State I wasn't really familiar with the rivalries so I googled it and apparently the Big Ten has 4830072072 rivalries. Seriously, it may easier to keep track of who you don't have a rivalry with! But I wanted to get that in. :)

JMFJ abusing Kane is somehow still hilarious to me. I think Kane just kind of makes everything funny. This may be backcheck's influence.

I do wonder about goalies and their bendiness...

You know, every time I see Langenbrunner I feel like I'm seeing a person who's survived something horrible, like cancer, I'm surprised by how courageous and normal he is. Then I remember that he hasn't actually given birth to anything through any orifice.

I went back and looked at the video and Patty was singing... but Heatley wasn't. I AM HORRIFIED THAT YOU THOUGHT HEATLEY WAS MARLEAU!!! *cries* Maybe Heatley secretly considers himself German.

Thank you so much for your fb! *cuddles*

I really enjoyed this, I like how it was funny and they were guyish (huh,sucking your own dick) but in the end they were all ultimately protective off each other.

But not of the mental images the dutch skaters must now deal with.

Lots of people have observed that Team USA is really close and I think it all comes down to the people Burke picked. *sniffle*

Alex has this knack of saying things like "I'm coming out of the closet", "I'm gay" and "Resurrect this, motherfucker!" at the very moment waiters show up at our table so that's where the Dutch speed skater thing came from. :) Also, I find Dutch speed skaters inherently funny.

Thank you for your fb! *hugs*

Seven Ryans and a Brian, A+ AMERICA SO CREATIVE WITH YOUR NAMES. I think I have an idea which Ryan it is, too, but I love the vagueness of it all. I also appreciate how clever the framing of the story is -- JMFJ telling someone about Kaner, but as that thread moves, so does JMFJ's own story, and in the end, both become equally important. I loved the voice in this, as well. :D AMERICA FUCK YEAH (sorry, had to)

Dude someone wrote a blog post about the Team USA Ryans and the prevalence of the name "Ryan" in the North and Northeast and explaining that's where most hockey players are from and there were maps and shit supporting the point. It was crazy.

I did actually have a Ryan in mind but I wanted Kane to stay strong. :)

I started out loving Ryan Miller and Joe Pavelski and liking a lot of the US players but ended up really liking Kane after watching him play and then Jack Johnson after reading his stupid blog. They all did real good.

Thanks so much for your fb! :D

Oh, this was fantastic! I just lost it at Miller's comment. Poor harassed goalie. And the Dutch speed skaters! Oh gosh, so good. I adore Kaner in all his specialness, and you pretty much nailed him here.

Kane is definitely an entertaining guy--on the ice and off! :P I'm glad the fic made you laugh, and thanks so much for your fb! :D

Don't worry, Jack Johnson and Patrick Kane don't get it on.
Thank you, I love you!

This is pretty hilarious and wonderful. I love the camaraderie and the rowdiness, and how they do ultimately have each other's backs. And I do enjoy the Ryan Miller bit - wonderful! Sweet and funny in the perfect combination. :)

(You have no idea how excited I am to see Mae!fic on my flist: my roommate and I both did excited sealclaps and squeaking!)

I like Patrick Kane. I like Jack Johnson. But together? Noooooooo...

Let me first say that you are a very nice Canadian for reading this fic. :) I'm glad you found it funny! And very flattered by the sealclaps and squeaking!!! By this point I honestly felt like I'd forgotten how to write and was concerned this only made sense in my mind or something. *ahem* Anyway, thank you so much!!! :D

I loved this so much, and oh...poor Kaner! You got his personality perfect here. I'm dying to know who was in that picture!

I'm really glad you like the characterization and the fic! Umm, it might be some guy called Ryan? :P Thank you so much for the fb!!! :)

Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard it is probably unhealthy. This is awesome! It's delightful, funny and full of shenanigans; which, no lie, is more or less what I had hoped for from this team.

Totally awesome, really.

Hee, I'm glad it made you laugh! Young teams are fun because there's silliness and I kind of imagine them that way. Thank you so much for your fb!!! :D

"Slave," I said triumphantly, just as the same group of Dutch speed skaters from the day before came within earshot. They moved hurriedly past the empty table they'd been heading for.

I started giggling at this part and nearly lost it at Miller's comment. Those poor speed skaters; I love how you brought them back again. This was awesome. :)

You are also a nice Canadian for reading this. :) The Dutch speed skater thing is based on my friend always saying inappropriate things just when waiters arrive at our table. Like "I'm coming out of the closet" and "Resurrect this, motherfucker!"

Thanks so much for your fb! :D


b) God, Patrick Kane, you utter tool. He's probably lucky people like him despite it ;)

c) Those poor dutch figure skaters. I'm sure they don't have a great view of hockey players in the first place, hahaha.

d) And the unspoken question to Ryan Miller - PERFECT. Not to mention the fact that clearly he's tried it, but then what guy probably hasn't? :p

e) The coda was lovely and bittersweet and I just want to smack JJ across the head a bit, which is what I hope you were going for.

In conclusion, I loved it, would lol again, and HUZZAH.

Whee, fling away! Fling away!!! :D

I'm convinced that Kane is the way he is (for better or worse) because he has three younger sisters.

I think Alex has traumatized numerous waiters (much like the Dutch speed skaters were traumatized) by saying inappropriate things just as they show up! Also, Dutch speed skaters are inherently funny, with their... orange. And their neurotic devotion to speed skating.

If I were to suspect anyone of being capable, I would suspect the bendy goalie!!!

Smack away! Wishy washy people need smacks. :P

Thank you so much Robyn!!! *tackles* *rolls around*