Daniel Alfredsson, Antoine Vermette, Jason Spezza, Wade Redden and Martin Havlat.
This is set during training camp 2006. Marty Havlat has been traded to the Chicago Blackhawks, leaving a void to be filled in the band again.
MAKING THE BAND
~ Marian Hossa's House, Ottawa ~
ALFREDSSON: Guys, the season is about to start. We need to use this time to work on important things, to improve our teamwork, our chemistry, (staring pointedly at Wade) our ability to sing in tune. We'll need to select a replacement for Marty. *sighs*
WADE: I miss discussing hair products with him. *sighs*
SPEZZA: I miss doing yoga with him. *sighs*1
VERMETTE: I miss the way he would always try to kill me. *sighs*
EVERYONE: *stares at Vermette*
VERMETTE: What? It showed he cared!
ALFREDSSON: You know what this band needs?
WADE: More free beer?
ALFREDSSON: No, but since you're getting up anyway, grab me one from the fridge, won't you?
~ Wade gets up and goes to the kitchen ~
VERMETTE: Does anyone else find it strange that even though Marian hasn't lived here for a year, the fridge is always full of beer?
ALFREDSSON: This band needs some street cred! We need more of an urban feel to our music--I think we should get Ray Emery to join the band!
SPEZZA AND VERMETTE: *burst out laughing*
ALFREDSSON: What's so funny?
SPEZZA: (laughing like a bleating lamb) Ray's going to add about as much "urban feel" as Kelly Clarkson!
EMERY: (following Wade back from the kitchen) What did you say?
SPEZZA: *stops laughing immediately and looks slightly terrified* Nothing.
WADE: What are you doing here, Ray?
EMERY: Free beer. *takes a big gulp and burps*
ALFREDSSON: Ray, are you musically inclined? Can you sing?
EMERY: Are you kidding? I love music! Fall Out Boy is da bomb! I can sing all their songs.2
ALFREDSSON: All right! Let's hear something.
EMERY: (singing) We're going down, down in an earlier round-3
ALFREDSSON, WADE, SPEZZA & VERMETTE: NOT THAT ONE!!!
ALFREDSSON: I've heard enough; welcome to the band, Ray!
VERMETTE: But he barely sang!
ALFREDSSON: He doesn't need to; he just needs to show off his tattoos and add diversity to the band.
EMERY: Yeah! Wassup, my nigga?
~ Alfredsson, Wade, Spezza and Vermette exchange confused looks ~
VERMETTE: Ray, none of us are black.
EMERY: (defensively) I knew that.
~ Everyone looks over at the sound of the front door opening ~
~ Marty walks confidently into the room in an expensive Italian suit, wearing sunglasses with his hair slicked straight back, his fingers and neck bedecked with some serious bling ~
MARTY: (in a deep voice, with a vague hint of an Italian accent) Hello, boys.
EMERY: Wow, what a surprise, what are you doing here, Marty?
MARTY: I'm just here to pay my respects, Vermy.
VERMETTE: (waving hand) I'm over here, Marty. Can you see us with those things on?
MARTY: (dismissively) Of course, of course. *places a cigarette in his mouth, but keeps missing with his lighter until Wade assists him*
ALFREDSSON: I hope you're not here to get your old spot in the band back, because we've already found a replacement. *pats Emery's shoulder*
MARTY: *inhales deeply and blows a puff of smoke in everyone's face* Of course not. But I am here to talk about the band. To talk about business.
ALFREDSSON: I don't understand what you mean. What business?
MARTY: *grins evilly* The music business is a lucrative one, but it's also dangerous. Guys in the music business - especially hockey players in the music business - tend to get hurt. They need protection. We offer protection.
WADE: Who is "we"?
MARTY: (smugly) The "family".
SPEZZA: Your family? Your dad's like, 85. Who the hell is he going to protect us from?
MARTY: Not my family, you idiot, my "family".
VERMETTE: I didn't hear the difference; did anyone hear the difference?
ALFREDSSON, WADE, SPEZZA & EMERY: No.
MARTY: I said "family", not family, get it? Ugh, never mind--the point is, if you guys don't start paying up, you might end up getting "hurt".
EMERY: Is getting "hurt" different from getting hurt?
MARTY: Shut up, Vermy!
VERMETTE: (waving hand) I'm still over here.
MARTY: If you don't believe me, then just look at what happened to Nikolai Khabibulin.
WADE: (blankly) What happened to him?
MARTY: He broke his finger--don't you pay attention to NHL news?
ALFREDSSON: I do, but is he still playing in the NHL?
EMERY: I think so, I think he plays for the uhh... umm...
EMERY: No, no, that's not it.
SPEZZA: Blue Jackets? Something with a colour in it...
ALFREDSSON: Red Wings?
MARTY: The Blackhawks, he plays for the Blackhawks! Michal Handzus out for the season with a knee injury? *makes a throat slashing gesture* Rene Bourque?4 Those guys didn't pay their protection money either.
VERMETTE: Marty! Why are you collecting protection money? What have you gotten yourself mixed up in? *gasps* Is that what happened to your ankle?
MARTY: Of course not, my skate just got caught in a rut. I don't know why you would jump to such ridiculous conclusions, Alfie.
ALFREDSSON: (waving hand) I'm over here. Don't do this, Marty. Can't you just leave us alone?
MARTY: I'm just doing my part for the "family".
SPEZZA: But you're a hockey player!
MARTY: So are they.
VERMETTE: How did all of this start?
MARTY: Well, my "family" was watching The Sopranos one night-
EMERY: The Sopranos is set in New Jersey.
MARTY: Goddamnit, shut up, Vermy!!!
VERMETTE: (waving hand) But you already have a "family", Marty, and it's us! We're your "family"!
ALFREDSSON, WADE, SPEZZA & EMERY: *nod in agreement*
MARTY: *takes his sunglasses off slowly, a single tear threatening to roll down his cheek* Wow, I... I didn't know you guys felt that way about me.
~ Everyone comes together in a tearful group hug ~
EMERY: But you still can't have my spot in the band.
MARTY: I'm going to break your fucking kneecaps.
1 Spezza and Havlat both do yoga, although it's unknown whether they've ever done it together.
2 Emery does actually like Fall Out Boy.
3 The Senators have in recent years exited the playoffs earlier than generally expected.
4 Rene Bourque suffered a deep laceration on his throat from a skate blade.
Err, that's it! Will add footnotes tomorrow. Tired now. [Edit: Footnotes added!]