frala: why are the sens always a parody waiting to happen?? hahahaha
I present, Marian Hossa, Martin Havlat, Antoine Vermette, Jason Spezza and Wade Redden from the Ottawa Senators starring in...
This is set just before training camp 2005, and I wrote it before Marian signed his contract and then was traded to the Atlanta Thrashers.
MAKING THE BAND
~ Marian Hossa's House, Ottawa ~
MARTY: *holds out a glass* Here, Vermy, have a soda.
VERMETTE: (shrilly) That's not soda--it's drain cleaner!
MARTY: What? No, it's not!
VERMETTE: Yes, it is! I saw you pour it from that bottle of Drano over there!
MARTY: (innocently) Drano isn't a type of soda?
VERMETTE: Sacre bleu! Stop trying to kill me!
MARTY: Stop being so paranoid, I'm not trying to kill you.
VERMETTE: Yes, you are! You've been trying to kill me ever since I won fastest skater at the SuperSkills competition!
MARTY: *turns white* Never speak of that again.
HOSSA: *not looking away from his reflection as he carefully sculpts his hair* Yes, don't kill him or I have to find a replacement for him for the band. Nobody else can sing except Schaef, and he's too old.
WADE: *looks up from the notebook he's been scribbling in furiously as the rays from the late afternoon sun strike his face, throwing his eyebrows into sharp relief* I'm older than Schaef.
WADE: Yes. By a month.
HOSSA: Maybe we can send you for botox.
WADE: *goes back to scribbling in his notebook, a wistful look on his face* No man, I gotta keep it real.1
VERMETTE: What do you keep writing in there, Wade? All the time, scribble, scribble, scribble. *peers over Wade's shoulder*
WADE: (soulfully) It's my poetry.
VERMETTE: *points at word* You misspelled "castrate".
WADE: *sighs and lowers his lashes mournfully* Nobody understands my art.
SPEZZA: *comes into the room* Hey, guys!
~ Everyone turns to look at Spezza and falls silent ~
VERMETTE: *clears throat* Spetz, why are you wearing a Leafs jersey?
SPEZZA: (proudly) Because I'm a Leaf!2
VERMETTE: No you're not, you're a Sen.
SPEZZA: *bursts into tears*
MARTY: *groans* Way to go, Vermy.
HOSSA: This is terrible! Now his eyes will be all red and puffy during the audition!
EVERYONE EXCEPT HOSSA: Audition?
HOSSA: Yes, yes, audition! We are getting ready to go audition for a gig! Why do you think you're here?
MARTY: Free beer?
SPEZZA: *stops crying* Is it an audition to play for the Leafs?
HOSSA: It's an audition to perform at a club that showcases up and coming artists. Lots of music execs go there to look for talent! It's the first step in my plan to emerge as lead singer of the dominant boy band on the planet. Teenaged girls all over the world will be hysterical over us and we'll drive them to tears when we perform!
SPEZZA: *bursts into tears again*
VERMETTE: *mumbles* Gee, it's already starting.
MARTY: But I can't sing.
SPEZZA: *sniffles* Or dance.
VERMETTE: I'm allergic to most hair styling products.
MARTY: *lights up* (excitedly) Really? Which ones? What happens? Do they make you go into anaphylactic shock?
VERMETTE: *narrows eyes* No, they just give me a rash.
MARTY: (disappointedly) Oh.
HOSSA: What? But all of you nodded when I asked you before the Flyers game if you could sing and dance!
MARTY: I thought you asked me if I was shitting my pants.3
VERMETTE, WADE & SPEZZA: *nod in agreement*
HOSSA: Well, that's okay. I'm sure that my performance will make up for everyone else's. Let's go, or we'll be late!
~ Later, at the "club" ~
VERMETTE: *looking around* This doesn't look like a club to me.
HOSSA: *hurrying down hallway* Ahh, here it is! *opens door*
~ Hossa and company stand in the open doorway, looking in on what looks like a conference room. Several men in suits turn to look at the boys and one hurries over, looking very flustered ~
HOSSA'S AGENT: (to Hossa) You're late! And why are you dressed like that? And why are all these guys here?
HOSSA: Why wouldn't they be? We perform as a band! I'm not going to strike out on my solo career until we've made at least three multi-platinum albums together.
AGENT: Band? Why are you talking about a band? *shakes head* This is going to be the worst arbitration hearing ever.
HOSSA: Arbitration? I thought you said audition!
VERMETTE: Sacre bleu!
1 Redden has actually used the phrase "keeping it real here in Ottawa" in a chat.
2 Spezza answered "the Leafs were always my favourite team" in a Q and A.
3 Alas, young Marty's games against the Flyers were indeed fraught with peril, the stickhandling winger terrified that at any moment he would be made to eat his lunch, as prophesied by Flyers head coach Ken Hitchcock following an unfortunate incident where Marty cross-checked Mark Recchi in the face. But Vermette's safe. Really.
Havlat and Hossa rehearse together